


Cabin fever

by xJane



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Baby gay Robbe, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Jana Ackermans/Jens Stoffels (minor), M/M, POV Robbe, Robbe Ijzermans/Noor Bauwens - Freeform, Robbe figuring things out, Sleepless nights at cabins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:56:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24792718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xJane/pseuds/xJane
Summary: Robbe saw the first sunlight creeping in through the window, and sighed. He hadn’t slept at all tonight. He could blame it on the snoring, but he knew that was not it. He could blame it on sleeping in a bed that wasn’t his own, but that was not the reason either. The real reason was his brain which had been in overdrive all night.***Saturday October 13th 2018, Saturday October 26th 2019 and Saturday October 31st 2020.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 12
Kudos: 90





	Cabin fever

**Author's Note:**

> So Isakistheone prompted me. I am not sure I've really met the brief, but I tried.
> 
> I hope you like it, Isakistheone (I can't link to you for some reason...).

OCTOBER 13th 2018 – ZATERDAG, 08.09

Robbe saw the first sunlight creeping in through the window, and sighed. He hadn’t slept at all tonight. He could blame it on Moyo’s snoring, but he knew that was not it. He could blame it on sleeping in a bed that wasn’t his own, but that was not the reason either. The real reason was his brain which had been in overdrive all night.

He had been hearing Moyo’s vague slurs going round in his head.

_ Sleeping in Robbe’s room? Better keep my boxers on, then! _

Robbe had been panicking all night.

Did Moyo know something? Did Moyo notice something about him, did Robbe say something or do something that gave him away to Moyo?

And if so, what was it?

Why did Moyo not make jokes like that about Jens? Why only about Robbe?

Robbe wasn’t gay, was he? He didn’t have a girlfriend right now, okay, but a lot of guys in their class didn’t have a girlfriend. He just hadn’t met the right girl yet. That didn’t mean he was into boys.

Only…

Robbe thought of Jens. How he sometimes felt his heart beat just a tiny bit faster when Jens smiled at him. How the world around them fell away when Jens laughed. How all the shit at home and at school didn’t matter so much when Jens and he were at the skatepark, just hanging out, doing nothing, talking nonsense. How his hands sometimes ached to touch Jens’ hair, Jens’ jaw. How sometimes late at night, when he couldn’t sleep, he imagined Jens’ dark eyes.

How he had felt shaken to his core after walking in on Jens and Jana. How in a flash he’d imagined him in that bed with Jens.

How he had been so gleeful, so giddy, last evening, when Jens and Jana had fought.

How he had allowed himself to daydream for a minute, that they would break up, that it would be Jens and Robbe again.

All of a sudden, he bolted up.

If Moyo knew…

_If Moyo knew…_

Did Jens know too?

Did Jens know Robbe maybe, possibly, hypothetically, liked boys?

And if he knew that… Did he also know…

Robbe gasped.

Did Jens know…

Moyo turned around in the lower bunk bed. Robbe quickly laid down again, closing his eyes, forcing his breath to become slow and even, while his heart beat against his ribs in a rapid staccato.

Did Jens know?

Moyo’s snoring resumed. Robbe opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. He sighed.

He steeled himself.

Jens did not know, because there was nothing to know.

Robbe was not gay.

Robbe was not into boys.

Robbe was very much into girls, thank you very much.

He’d start proving it as soon as they got back.

Talk about girls. Talk about boobs and asses. Talk about sex. About handjobs and blowjobs and the best ways to get into a girl’s panties.

Stop looking at Jens. Stop thinking about Jens.

Maybe get a girlfriend.

And if Moyo made any more jokes, Robbe would just joke back. Because Robbe was not gay.

OCTOBER 26th 2019 – ZATERDAG, 07:49

Robbe saw the first sunlight creeping in through the window, and sighed. He hadn’t slept at all tonight. He could blame it on Noor’s snoring, but he knew that was not it. He could blame it on sleeping in a bed that wasn’t his own, but that was not the reason either. The real reason was his brain which had been in overdrive all night.

Noor was too close. Too underdressed. Too clingy.

Robbe regretted being goaded by the guys into describing his type of girl, too worried that Moyo would make another gay joke if he didn’t. He regretted describing the first girl he saw. He regretted that the girl in question seemed to be into him – she had looked way too cool to fancy a guy like Robbe. He regretted that she had kissed him, right there and then, while the guys had looked on in stunned silence, then breaking out in hollering about Robbe’s game. He regretted that the girl turned out to be Noor, who was kind and nice and didn’t deserve to be led on by Robbe. He regretted that she wanted more from him, making it very clear that she wanted their relationship to progress into something Robbe couldn’t give. That last part was what he regretted most of all.

It would be so easy. Noor was here, and she was willing. If only he could just sleep with her – she was sweet and beautiful. It shouldn’t be so hard.

But he couldn’t even think about it.

It was time to confront the truth. It was time to admit it was not ever going to work with a girl.

He soundlessly said the word. _Gay_. _I am gay_.

It didn’t sound too horrible.

He just liked boys. He was the same Robbe, just into boys. It was no big deal, right? Gays could marry. Gays could adopt children. Belgium had a gay prime minister a while ago. Not every gay guy walked around with feather boas and glitter makeup. He was just another normal teen, drinking too much beer, struggling with homework, being a dumbass with friends, all of that – just not falling in love with girls but boys. Big deal.

It was not all there was about him. He was shy, and quiet, and silly. He had brown eyes, brown hair. He liked skating and video games. He enjoyed fries and kebabs. In summer, he surfed. In winter, he covered up in scarfs and beanies, because he ran cold. That all made up Robbe.

Robbe was still Robbe, and Robbe was gay.

It was just a word.

But then he thought about all the other words the boys used. Of all the offensive jokes they told.

He imagined telling the Brrroers. Looking Jens in the eyes when he told him he liked boys. Listening to Moyo insulting him once again.

It was just impossible.

He couldn’t do it.

He just had to keep pretending.

He should break up with Noor, though. She wanted so much… she deserved so much. It was unfair to play her like this.

Maybe him dating Noor for a couple of weeks had bought him some time, before the boys would start suspecting again.

He would be the same Robbe. He had always been gay, but they would never find out.

He looked at his phone. Five past eight. Way too early to be up. Noor made a noise behind him. And that was enough to entice him into moving. He climbed down the ladder quietly, grabbed his clothes, and left the room. He would walk out to the sea. Maybe the waves would give him the strength to get through another long and dreary day of being a fake.

OCTOBER 31st 2020 – ZATERDAG, 07:14

Robbe saw the first sunlight creeping in through the window, and sighed. He hadn’t slept at all tonight. He could blame it on Sander’s snoring, but he knew that was not it. He could blame it on sleeping in a bed that wasn’t his own, but that was not the reason either. The real reason was his brain which had been in overdrive all night.

He had been reminded of the last time he had been lying awake in a cabin not unlike this one, next to Noor, hating himself and his lies.

Then that same morning, he had met the boy he currently held in his arms, and everything had changed. The past year had been healing for both him and Sander. He’d come out to his friends and family, and Sander and he had managed to build something great out of the rocky foundations of the first few weeks of their relationship. They had talked a lot and really worked at communication, so much so their friends made fun of it – _You know, guys, make up sex is way more fun than make up talk_ – but whenever any of them needed advice with their own partners, they would come to Robbe or Sander nevertheless. And well, Robbe didn’t feel the need to tell them that make up sex _after_ make up talk was even better.

They had decided to go on another short holiday on a whim. They’d gone to a more forested area down south this time instead of to the coast, but other than that it was mostly a repeat from last year. They were even supposed to go to some local Halloween party that evening.

Robbe grinned at the memory of last year’s Halloween. He had been so jealous of Britt when he saw how Sander had kissed her. And in the blink of an eye all his guilt from earlier that week, about being a fraud, about misleading and using Noor, had flown out of the window as he had come on to her stronger than he probably ever had before – but his eyes never leaving Sander’s.

He wrapped his arms a bit tighter around his boyfriend. Sander moved a bit, and his eyes slowly blinked open. Robbe loved early morning Sander, before he had turned on his 1000-Watt charm and his boundless energy, before he became the confident and teasing cool artist he showed to the world. In these moments, sleep warm, a soft haze in his green eyes, and his face relaxed, tender, gentle, he was a Sander only Robbe knew. His own private Sander, to cherish and protect.

“Good morning,” Sander mumbled against Robbe’s shoulder.

“Morning, baby. Did I wake you up?”

Sander lifted his head.

“Don’t know. Why are you awake already?”

Robbe kissed the top of Sander’s head.

“Didn’t sleep much. Have been thinking.”

“Oh? What about?”

“Last time we were in a cabin together on a friends’ trip.”

Sander chuckled.

“You didn’t have such a handsome guy in your bed then.”

Robbe swatted him lightly on his arm, but giggled nevertheless.

“I had barely figured out I _wanted_ a handsome guy in my bed.”

Sander attempted to swat him back, but because he was effectively wrapped up in Robbe’s embrace, he didn’t manage very well.

“Liar. You knew you wanted me in your bed by the time you tasted my croques.”

“Probably by the time you sang Bowie to me while crashing me in a bunch of cardboard boxes at the supermarket.”

Sander grinned, satisfied.

“I knew Bowie would help me get you.”

“Oh, so you admit you had ulterior motives with the Bowie exam then?”

Sander hummed.

“Did you ever even pass it?”, he asked, contemplating.

Robbe laughed out loud.

“I guess I bribed the teacher so thoroughly he forgot all about the test.”

“Hmmm. Maybe some more bribing? I think the teacher remembered just now.”

Robbe looked at Sander, his love for this boy oozing out of every pore of his skin. He leaned in, and their lips found each other. After a while, Sander broke the kiss to get some air into his lungs.

“You know, Robin, I’m very glad you figured out you wanted a handsome guy in your bed. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t.”

Robbe smiled and pressed his lips against Sander’s again, chastely, briefly.

“Good thing you didn’t come around the year before last, because then I had decided I was definitely NOT gay, whatever Moyo said.”

“Huh? What are you talking about?”

Sander wriggled out of Robbe’s hold to prop himself up on his elbows, hovering over Robbe, searching his face. Robbe smiled, easily, the pain of those days long forgotten.

“Didn’t I ever tell you? We were also on a weekend trip at a cabin, actually. Jana and Jens and me. Moyo turned up somewhat unexpectedly, and Jens told him he had to share a room with me. He made a bunch of homophobic remarks about that.”

“What? Robbe, that’s not okay. How are you still friends with him?”

“Sander, it’s all good. Back then I didn’t say anything because I had just decided I wasn’t gay, remember? So I pretended it didn’t have anything to do with me. I… I even used some slurs myself, occasionally, over the next year or so.”

“Oh, Robin…”

Sander looked at him with concern.

“Seriously, Sander, it not a big deal. He didn’t know. And yeah, sure, it took him some time to wrap his head around it when I came out and you and I got together, but you know he’s fine with it now. He’s as much an ally as Jens or Noor.”

Sander looked a bit hesitant, but he had to admit that Moyo never gave him any reason to mistrust him or feel not at ease. Still, he felt bad for Robbe, having to go through all that.

“I’m sorry, baby. You shouldn’t have felt like you needed to hide that part for your friends, to pretend you were something you were not.”

Robbe caressed Sander’s cheeks.

“It all worked out in the end.”

“Still. I need to talk to Moyo about how much words hurt.”

Robbe shook his head vehemently.

“He already knows, Sander, and he is sorry. He apologized… or well, he didn’t _apologize_ , but still. And besides, he already defended what you and I had together before he had even seen us together. He defended you when I thought you had been using me.”

“Huh?”

Sander looked at him questioningly.

“You don’t know that either? After… Sinterklaas… You know… After Britt told me you never loved me because it was all just an episode, Moyo was adamant it wasn’t true. He called it bullshit, said your feelings were real and that I should trust them, trust you.”

Sander seemed to consider that.

“It is really all in the past, Sander. I have forgiven him long ago. And I don’t need to hide anything anymore, because I have you, and the Brrroers, and the girls, and my family. Sure, there will always be assholes…”

He looked up at Sander, and he knew what they both were thinking – a dark alley on a cold Friday night, the sounds of bike tires spinning in the air. This was a topic they _had_ talked about, over and over again, and in the end, Robbe had gone to the police, and Sander had accepted Robbe’s decision even though he hadn’t gone with him. He didn’t really care for having to deal with the cops, after they had picked him up from the streets a couple of times when he was manic. But he had held Robbe afterward, and whispered _I am proud of you, my Robin_. And after the first time they went back to the bar, only having one beer, both fiddly and nervous, he had done the same, kissing Robbe all over, muttering _So fucking proud_ into his skin until it had felt like he glowed with warmth and love and could handle anything and everything as long as he had Sander’s hand in his.

“Yeah,” Sander replied quietly, “There always will be. But we will always have each other.”

And that was so typically them, one of them pronouncing the other one’s thoughts.

Robbe smiled, and press a short kiss to Sander’s lips.

“We will. Almost a year.”

Sander huffed.

“I have been in love with you for more than a year. The spray painting was in the middle of October.”

“I have been in love with you for more than a year too. Today is Halloween. I already was in love with you last Halloween.”

He looked Sander in the eye, and they chuckled. They both thought about that party, where they kissed each other through their girlfriends.

“Better now that I can just kiss you,” Sander declared, putting his money where his mouth was and kissing Robbe deeply.

“Much better,” Robbe agreed. “Best way to start a day after a sleepless night in a cabin. Come on. Let’s go grocery shopping before Amber wakes up.”

And Robbe got up, being completely in love with Sander, and completely himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to point out any mistakes.
> 
> Also, I'd really love it if you left me a comment, should you want to do so!
> 
> <3


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